Galaxy Patrol
Fade in on:
A police cruiser flying in space. We can hear the dispatch radio as they drive. Two Galaxy Patrol officers, Blaster, a short squat alien with expressive eyes and JAY-19, a spiffy shiny robot sit in the cruiser.
Dispatch: Car 14 Car 14, this is dispatch we have an 519 in progress. Dispatch Out
We cut to inside the ship and it’s really messy and grimy inside on Blaster’s side and impeccably clean on JAY-19′s side. Blaster is eating a smelly sandwich. JAY-19 points.
JAY-19: Oh look over there Blaster.
Blaster turns and when he does JAY-19 sprays the sandwich with Lysol. Blaster turns back not noticing it at all and takes a bite of the sandwich, then makes a face like it’s terrible, tosses behind him and shrugs.
Blaster: Remember when we had a 519? Awesome times!
JAY-19: Not for me it wasn’t.
Blaster: (reminiscing) Man we were up on that sand planet an-
JAY-19 cuts him off.
JAY-19: I’m allergic to sand.
Blaster: You can’t be allergic to sand, you’re a robot.…
JAY-19: It gets in my joints and chafes me something fierce.
Blaster: Yeah yeah yeah…so this Zakazian was running naked through the city-
JAY-19 cuts him off again.
JAY-19: I was there you know… I remember. Helloooo? Robot? Walking vid-cam? I can’t erase bad memories if I tried!
Blaster: Oh come on…it was funny! Remember? He sat right down on the top of this pointy-
JAY-19: I almost threw up. Nerves you know. Had hives for 13 days straight after that.
Blaster: JAY-19, you can not have gotten hives. You’re a robot. Maybe you got, oh I dunno, rivets or something but you did not get hives.
JAY-19: Rivets then. I had horrible rivets.
Blaster: Whatever. Now why don’t we get good calls like that anymore? Rabid Donkinther is attacking a convent! Take ‘em out boys! But us? Noooo, not us… we get: lady stuck in tree with sensitive boweled cat. I want to get on a case that has some meat to it! Something I can tell my grandchildren I was part of.
JAY-19: We never get any big calls Blaster because you’d screw them all up. You’d make the cat fall out of the tree and kill the lady! That’s why they even assigned you a robot partner so your partner incurs minimal damage… which I resent by the way!
Blaster: Ahh what do they know? I’m a good cop! Someday I’m gonna be a hero and prove it! You’ll see…
JAY-19: On that unlikely day, if I am not crushed and destroyed by your antics already, I will eat this 40 day old sandwich!
He points to a moldy sandwich between the seats.
Blaster: I’m gonna hold you to that J.
JAY-19: Feh… It’ll never happen.
Dispatch: Car 72, Car 72.
Blaster: That’s us! Awesome! Please be a good case!
JAY-19: Roger, this is Car 72.
Dispatch: Car 72 we have a report of a domestic disturbance down in the Delta Quadrant. Go down and check it out boys.
JAY-19: Roger that, we’re on it. Car 72 over and Out.
Blaster: Didja hear that? Domestic Disturbance! Oh man please let him try and attack me! Please!
Wipe to a doorstep in the Delta Quadrant: A clean alien looking city.
They walk into scene and JAY-19 pulls out a rubber glove from inside a compartment in his chest, sprays it with disinfectant and then puts it on his hand. Then he knocks.
JAY-19: Police! Open up sir.
Blaster: Did you just disinfect something that came out of your own body? Kinda pointless isn’t it?
JAY-19: As the leading spokesman for germs I should think you’d know they’re everywhere.
JAY-19 knocks again.
JAY-19: Hello? I said Police! Open up please! We have a report of a domestic disturbance.
The door opens and a huge one-eyed alien steps out with a pair of shapely legs squirming in his mouth. JAY-19 and Blaster just stare at him. Blaster leans over to JAY-19.
Blaster(whispering): It’s a Xathrox!
JAY-19(whispering): Shhh don’t irritate him… you know what happens…
Blaster(whispering): What? No I don’t… Why? What happens?
JAY-19: Sir, is that your wife in your mouth?
Alien: Yup. She likes it.
From inside the alien’s mouth we hear:
Wife: No I bloody well don’t Alan! Let me out of here!
JAY-19: Sir, please release your wife from your mouth.
Alien: No. She likes it.
Blaster: (VO/thinking) This is my chance to shine.
Blaster pulls out his weapon and stands menacingly.
Blaster: Take your wife out of your mouth you scum sucking dirtbag! Now!
JAY-19 hangs his head in his hands.
JAY-19: Enter Blaster Screw Up number 3305.
Alien: Did you… did you just yell at me in front of my wife?
He takes his wife out of his mouth and places her onto the sidewalk as he steps down off the stoop.
Blaster: W..well, y..you weren’t listening to us…
Alien: No one yells at me in front of my wife.
We see the alien is growing larger as he gets angrier. He begins to walk forward causing Blaster to back step down the walkway.
Blaster: S..sir please stop walking forward or I’ll have to sh..shoot.
The Xathrox grabs the weapon and crumbles it to dust. He continues forward pushing Blaster backwards
Blaster: So JAY-19, uh I’m guessing that thing about Xathroxes is that they’re sensitive?
JAY-19: That and they get bigger as they get angrier. Everyone knows that!
Blaster: No not everyone JAY-19… not everyone, because I didn’t know that!
JAY-19: You don’t count as a person.
Alien: You made me look like a fool in front of my wife! I’m gonna make you pay for that Copper!
Blaster: Well I’d be glad to pay sir, how much exactly would that take?
The alien antics back with his fists and slams them down on the pavement!
Sfx: WHAM!
Alien: How about with your LIFE!
Blaster turns to run and the Xathrox chases him away.
X-Diss to later:
Blaster runs down a futuristic city street screaming. Suddenly the Xathrox rises up and knocks a building over. He’s huge! Nothing will stop him. Tanks and planes blast at him but he’s impervious to the damage. Blaster hides in an alley. JAY-19 flies down and accompanies him. They watch helplessly as the city is being destroyed.
JAY-19: Way to go Blaster…
Blaster: This is all my fault. Me and my stupid big mouth. I’m an idiot!
JAY-19: Yes you are, but you’re our idiot.
The Xathrox is about to destroy a donut shop. Blaster perks up.
Blaster: What? No! Not Rings of Sweeturn! Oh no you don’t! That’s my favorite donut shop!
Blaster runs in front of it to protect it. Blaster is cornered and the Xathrox is about to pummel him when Blaster gets an idea. He suddenly angry himself and yells at the Xathrox with a barrage of insults.
Blaster: That is it mister. Just look at what you’ve done! I am very disappointed in you. Now you march home this instant or I will give you something to howl about. Now go! I said Go!
The Xathrox pauses and then starts to cry turning and running away and shrinking as he runs! JAY-19 is flabbergasted.
JAY-19: How did you know that would work?
Blaster: Well, you said they were sensitive!
Wipe to a Heroes Parade: Huge fanfare. Blaster and JAY-19 are in limo convertible hovercraft waving to the crowd as confetti falls down on them. Blaster is a hero.
JAY-19: Well Blaster, I am astonished to say this but…you’re a hero now! How does it feel to get what you’ve always wanted?
Blaster: Well it feels good but I’ll feel better when you make good on your remark earlier!
JAY-19: What? My remark? Hmmm. Don’t remember that.
Blaster pushes a button on JAY-19 rewinding him, then presses play. We hear a recording of the two earlier.
Blaster: Ahh what do they know? I’m a good cop! Someday I’m gonna be a hero and prove it! You’ll see.
JAY-19: On that wonder-filled day, if I am not crushed and destroyed by your antics already, I will eat this moldy sandwich!
JAY-19: Oh that! Surely you don’t expect me to…
Blaster holds up the sandwich and slams it into the robot’s mouth.
Blaster: Chow down buddy!
JAY-19: (mumbling)
Truck out on the parade as JAY-19 chews
JAY-19: Thank goodness I don’t have taste buds!
Blaster laughs as we…
