Kapoodle

a short
by
Mike Milo

Fade in on a know-it-all thespian poodle reading from a book of Shakespeare as he walks along the beach:
Kapoodle: Ah, Shakespeare. Tis he, who wrote about such interesting things because he mingled with the common man. Perhaps  I, Kapoodle should interact with the lower chaff to broaden my horizons as well!

Unknowingly he walks over a kid’s sand castle as he walks and continues on. The kid is not happy and grabs a shell tossing it at Kapoodle. It sails over his head and lands in front of him.
He looks back and sees the angry kid.

Kapoodle: Ahhh fair child thy aim is off! Fear not Kapoodle shall help your lowly self to victory!
He grabs the shell from his head and walks over to the kid who is confused.

Kapoodle: See now mere babe, if thou wouldst like to smite thy enemy, thou must have POWER! GRACE! GLORY!
He places the shell in the kid’s hand and walks a few feet away.

Kapoodle: There! This is thy target! (points to own head) Hitteth it with all thy might!

The boy shrugs and whips the shell Kapoodle. It hits him in the head and envelopes his entire head.
Cut to inside the shell where an angry hermit crab glares at him.
Cut back to outside the shell.

Kapoodle: “To bleed or not to bleed. THAT is the question!”

He jerks about as he is attacked from inside the shell.

Kapoodle: Oweth! Yon Oweth! Oweth ideed!

The crab jumps off shell in tow, and scurries away as the kid looks on.

Kapoodle: Alas, Kapoodle thou art allergic to shellfish.

He sneezes and his face slides apart in five different directions.

WIPE to later:
Kapoodle is sitting against a trash can and the boy runs by with a kite which he is dragging along the ground trying to make it airborne.

Kapoodle: Wait yon crib lizard! Clearly thee are approaching this from the wrongest of angles. Kapoodle shall endeavor to help thee make the fair kite assail to the heavens!
The kid shrugs and offers the kite to Kapoodle.
Kapoodle starts running with it.

Kapoodle: The trick you see mere babe, is to get the air to glide beneath the kite’s surface. Thou must do this by running like the wind!

He gets the kite caught on a surf board and it pulls forward following Kapoodle.
Kapoodle stops out of breath.

Kapoodle: Alas poor Cardio, I knew thee not!

Suddenly the surfboard comes wailing into scene hitting Kapoodle and the kite and wrapping him up in the string in a cloud of dust. When the dust clears, Kapoodle is wearing the kite like a bonnet and he’s tied to the surfboard. A wind kicks up and he is carried into the air.

Kapoodle: I fear the worse doth befall fair Kapoodle. Ahhh, No matter! So long as we can say, ‘This is the worst! King Lear Act IV. End scene.’
Suddenly Kapoodle hits a pylon and we:

WIPE to later:
Kapoodle is a bit bandaged up and is again reading on a bench in the beach. The same boy is building another sand castle. Kapoodle notices this and saunters over to the boy.

Kapoodle: Alas dear boy clearly thou art not an architect.  Never fear! I shall teach thee the ways of building.
He begins to build a huge castle and the boy sighs and sits.

X-DISS to later:
Kapoodle has built a huge castle with twelve tiny floors. He steps back to survey his work.

Kapoodle: I, Kapoodle have indeed built an impressive structure.
It teeters and falls on him. The kid digs his head out.

Kapoodle: Enough! Never rewarded! Never compensated! I shall endeavor to help you no more.

X-Diss to later:

Kappodle is lazing against the dune fence reading his favorite works by Shakespeare. Suddenly the boy runs by quickly. He is chased by some bullies who are holding a bucket of crabs threatening to toss them on him.

Kapoodle: Nay! Kapoodle shall NOT endeavor to help the mere lad! Many bruises I have garnered by helping this whelp! No more I say!
The kid runs by the other way and looks at Kapoodle with pleading eyes.

Kapoodle: Nay! Nay I say!
He goes back to reading his book but can not concentrate as he sees the boy is cornered against a fence. The boys inch closer. Cut to the pinchers of the crabs snapping. Cut back to Kapoodle sweating. He grabs his skull and leaps from the bench!

Kapoodle: Cry “Havoc,” and let slip the dogs of war! Save thee I shall!

Kapoodle runs for the kids who when they see him toss the bucket of crabs into the air and run away. Kapoodle screeches into the scene.

Kapoodle: “There, I have saved thee!”

Suddenly the crabs land on his head and attack him.

Kapoodle: “But who shall save ME?!?”
he screams as he flails about.
He finally rips the crabs from his head and falls in a heap on the sand.

The boy hugs him.
Boy: “Wanna come for dinner at my house Kapoodle?”

Kapoodle: “Nay welp, I have more pressing matters…”

Suddenly the boy’s sister calls to him. She’s holding a cell phone.

Sis: “Ray Ray! Come on! Mom just called us for dinner!”

Kapoodle is agog! She’s beautiful!

Kapoodle: “Ahhh mayhaps I was hastly in my rejection of your invitation. Let us sup this night you and I yes?

Ray-Ray: “Uh ok…”

They run off together and as they walk into the distance Kapoodle is run over by a lifeguard’s truck.
Cut close on Kapoodle.

Kapoodle: Methinks this is the beginning of a futile relationship.
He passes out.

THE END